Allowing to love again
by Crowley-in-theDoctor'sTARDIS
Summary: At night Rory finds The Doctor sitting alone in the kitchen. When they talk, for once, The Doctor is surprisingly open and honest.


It has been one of the best Christmas dinners of his life. Maybe the best.  
Rory was lying in bed, exhausted and still excited at the same time. Today had been the first Christmas with their daughter and the Doctor. Okay, there had been some Christmases with Mels before, but it was the first KNOWING she was their daughter and not just their best childhood-friend. They knew for two years now. Last year neither River nor the Doctor had shown up. According to a small Spoiler given by an older River, she hadn't been able to come because of timelines, because this year would be their first year celebrating together. Nevertheless, they set a place for the Doctor last year, in the small hope maybe he would come. Today has been the first time they all had Christmas dinner together. As a family.

First, the Doctor had 'risen' from the dead, then, ten minutes later River had arrived. For her, it was just a few months after her wedding, so Rory didn't say anything when after comparing diaries she had grabbed her husband to snog the life out of him. Right in front of her parents.  
Rory didn't know how to feel about that.  
River was his daughter. His little Melody. the Doctor was their best friend. He was a good man, of cause, Rory knew that, but…

Sighing Rory decided he couldn't find any sleep like that. Maybe a hot chocolate would help?

"Doctor?"  
When Rory entered the kitchen, he found the Time Lord sitting there, a cuppa in front of him, frowning deep in thought and startled at the sudden voice.  
"Rory! Rory, the Roman!" A bright grin on his face the Doctor waved a hand to say hello. "Awake at this time? Where is Amy? Oh, she must be sleeping, right? Uhm, River is sleeping in the TARDIS in case you're searching for her, but maybe you should let her sleep, she's rather exhausted after all the- eh…" His cheeks got suspiciously pink. A brief clearing of his throat and the Time Lord babbled on. "…I mean, it has been a long day, right? All the christmas-y celebrating, the dinner, the wine -honestly, how can you spoil such lovely food with alcohol? – and I mean, we had fun today, right? -we all together! Not only River and me, I mean, of cause River and I had fun, we have always fun – no, I mean- "bad choice of words. Rory raised an eyebrow. "-during dinner! And after dinner! And I really have missed you Ponds!" The Time Lord got unusual quiet. "I'm sorry, I haven't told you. About me being alive.", he added in a low and broody serious voice. The energy he had a few seconds ago suddenly gone.  
Rory studied the Doctor for a moment, then went to the cupboard to get a mug for his hot chocolate. Neither one of them said anything for the next minutes until the nurse joint the other man at the table.  
"…. we knew you would be coming back. But you're right, you should have told us sooner. We're your friends, Doctor. We missed you. We were worried! But now you're here. What changed your mind?"  
A short smile played around the Doctor's lips.  
"'Nobody should be alone at Christmas'. A wise and brave woman told me today. ...she got quite cross with me after I told her you were thinking I'm dead."  
"Good. You deserved it. She was right, you know?"  
The Doctor sipped on his tea.  
"I was wrong. I told her, I don't have a family." They had set a place for him. They always set a place for him. Even not knowing if and when he would come back.  
Rory sighed. Silly alien.  
"You're a moron. Of course, you have family." He drank a sip of his chocolate. Ouch. Still too hot. "...and speaking of family. Last time we saw each other you married my daughter. In another timeline. Inside a robot."  
The Doctor stiffed and held his breath for a moment.  
"Doctor, don't get me wrong, but how real is this marriage to you? Did it actually happen or not? The timeline got erased! You were in that thing! Are you two married or not? Are you serious with my daughter? Do you love her? Before the wedding you said, you don't want to marry her! And a few minutes later suddenly you marry her! …River loves you. If you break her hearts…!"  
Before Rory could finish his sentence the Doctor raised defensively his hand in a gesture to stop him.  
"No need to get your pointy sword, Roman! I'm serious! The wedding counts, alternate timeline or not. River and I discussed it and I told her that robot or not, timeline or not, we are married. Yes, it wasn't the way I wanted it to happen, but I did want to marry her eventually!"  
"Then why did you say you didn't?"  
"Like I said, it wasn't the WAY, place or situation I wanted or had planned to marry her. But being a Time Lord and Human-plus-Time Lady already in a complicated timey-wimey relationship, maybe a timey-wimey-wedding was just the right thing for us? "He cocked his head. "…Thinking about it… you know River, you know me… can you imagine us having a 'normal' wedding? Maybe THAT would have felt strange..."  
And strange as it was, the Doctor had a point there.  
"Before the wedding River and I went on dates for some time. During 'TARDIS-night', when you and Amy were sleeping. - Don't look at me like that! You humans sleep away a third of your life! And after the wedding I visited her almost every night after she got to Stormcage. Not every night, I try, but staying and meeting in the RIGHT order doesn't tend to work for long. But we're trying. It's… complicated, but we manage somehow." The Doctor deliberately ignored Rory's following comment about his 'bad driving skills'. Having been a grandfather and father himself -oh, such a long time ago…- the Doctor understood his friend's worries about River's feelings. Therefor he tried to be unusually open and serious on this topic.  
"Just the other day we went for dinner to Xavalion IV. There is this nice little Restaurant in the 42nd century -they have one of the best custard-dishes in the Universe, you wouldn't believe! And River loves their pudding-desserts! Got the date a bit wrong by about 50 years and landed us during their big civil war. So, after dinner River stole a police car and we went to the palace to overthrow the evil government. … and the night before that I took her to meet with Madame Vastra and Jenny – River's idea. Got the date right, place a bit off. I have not the faintest idea how Queen Vicky recognised me -other face, you know? - but after we broke out of prison and escaped execution, we had quite a nice double date. …. Which turned into an alien-murder-investigation – we had fun~ Oh, Vastra and Jenny send their greetings, by the way."  
Rory wasn't sure, whether he should laugh, cry, be relieved, be frustrated, worried or everything at once. Only the Doctor and River could see something like that as romantic dates. But it was so THEM.  
"Maybe you should let River drive next time…."  
The Doctor rolled his eyes at that.  
"But the point is: I didn't suddenly marry her on a wimp to save the universe -okay, yes, I DID marry her to save the universe, but doesn't mean I didn't mean or want it! I didn't want you and Amy to know about our dates because… You are my friends! And her PARENTS! You're my friends and her parents and it would have been…awkward? I'm over thousand years old! We're both adults – not dating human teenagers in need of parental supervision or something like that!"  
Rory shook his head and send him a look. "And because you're adults and NOT teenagers…. You sneak out at night to go on secret dates with our daughter without me or Amy knowing while we're sleeping?"  
"Exactly! Glad you understand what I'm saying!" Rory sighted frustrated again. The Doctor ignored it again.  
"But believe me when I say, River knows that I… she… she knows how I feel about her. I told her. Would never make the same mistake again…."  
The Time Lord almost whispered his last sentence and starred quiet into his tea-mug. There was something painful in his voice. Deep regret. Rory wasn't sure whether he should ask or let it be. He didn't want to hurt his friend with questions about the wrong topics. On the other hand, it was rare, that the Doctor spoke so open and Rory knew how he usually tended to keep everything to himself, pretending to be fine and distracting everyone with his childish behaviour while in reality he was hurting inside. Unhealthy habit.  
"…the same mistake….?", Rory asked carefully.

The Doctor swallowed and was quiet for another moment. Rory could see him fighting inside his head whether to tell or not.  
"I…I had a …. friend. Few hundred years ago." He got quiet again. A small smile on his lips, the Doctor seemed to remember this so-called friend. Oh. 'friend'. Were there tears in his eyes?  
"She was fantastic. Brilliant. She saved me… after the war. My world had ended, I was a broken daft old man… and she travelled with me, helped me back to life, put me back together. We were the stuff of legends." Yes, definitely tears. Rory felt uncomfortable.  
"She was your girlfriend? What happened?"  
The Doctor shrugged. "Yes. No. Maybe? I think… yes. In a way. We… we never spoke about it. Never did anything about it. She was human and I was afraid. She understood. Humans have pitiful short lifespans. I thought… if we didn't… I thought it wouldn't hurt so much when I would eventually lose her. I was wrong. We were happy just being together and holding each other's hand, but now the thought about what COULD have been… Eventually she told me. That she loved me. I wasn't able to tell her. We had got separated and I couldn't get her back. Later, something happened and, in the end, she got her Happy Ever After with me. But I couldn't get my Happy Ever After with her. Timey-wimey. In all the time we had together 'I'- "and for some reason he stressed the last word especially. "never got the chance to tell her myself. And I will always regret it. It's a wound that will never stop hurting." The Time Lords voice got scratchy and he whipped a hand over his face in attempt not to let Rory see the tear that had managed to escape.  
"You still love her." Rory didn't ask, he stated the fact. It was obvious. But what did that mean for River?  
The Doctor nodded. "Always will." He emptied his mug.  
"It destroyed me to lose her. I did terrible things I'm not proud of." He thought about Mars. Maybe, in another timeline this would have been the moment for The Valeyard to rise. After losing Her. Maybe after Mars. Maybe little later, if he didn't crash in the garden of little Amelia. No Amy, no River. The Doctor couldn't clearly see the timeline that hadn't been, but the feeling was there. It would have been around that time. He would have finally lost it and The Valeyard would have taken over.

"I regenerated and didn't want to get involved with anyone. Not in that way. Friends okay, but nothing more. Then came River. The day I met her for the first time -before I changed-, she knew my name. My real name." Rory frowned. An older River, the one who had told them about the Doctor still being alive had also told them about how only she as his wife was allowed to know his name.  
"Back then I honestly couldn't imagine myself being able to feel like that for anyone else ever again. In the beginning I didn't WANT to. And how could I trust her, I didn't even know who she was! Some mystery-woman from my future. I tried not to trust her. Not to get any feelings for her. I knew, Rose would have wanted for me to be happy again, but I didn't want to be happy. Not without my Rose. I didn't deserve it. And I didn't see the point, because in the end I would lose her like I lose everybody else. But you know River." The Doctor grinned. "I never had a chance, now, did I? River is just…. River. Clever beautiful trouble-finding River. Before I knew what to do about her, she had stolen both my hearts. – Speaking of which, it shouldn't have surprised me at all. It's really a bad habit of your daughter. Stealing things. Bad bad girl."  
"I know.", Rory said, reminded about all the times they had to pick up Mels from the police station. He frowned about the Doctor's grinning face. "But you shouldn't look so besotted about that habit of her, Doctor. And should I remind you that you yourself STOLE your timeship?"  
"Well…."  
"And the clothes in the hospital?"  
"Well…"  
"Not the first time you stole clothes in a hospital, you told us. What was it? The third time?" Honestly, thinking about it, the Doctor and River were quite the match.  
"Well…"  
"And how about the time you- "  
"-Okay! Yeah, fine. I get what you're saying. However, back to the topic. When I learnt about her being part-Time Lady, you have no idea how relieved I was!" Sure, he knew she would die nevertheless. But he told himself, he couldn't know how old she had been in The Library. For all he new she could have been hundreds of years old. And he still hoped for that possibility.  
"Does River know? About your girlfriend?"

The Doctor nodded, but suddenly another voice answered for him.  
"Of cause, I know about Rose. He told me." The two men startled and saw River standing in the kitchen's doorway wearing her white dressing gown over one of the Doctor's button-downs. "He told me a little after we started dating. And it's okay. He had a long life before we met and Rose was a very important part of it. In fact, I would be angry if he stopped remembering her. Still loving her doesn't mean loving me less." River send a small honest smile to her husband. "You don't have to worry, father dear. There was a time before me and there will be a time after. And when I'm gone, I would wish for him to move on, save some planets, occasionally the universe, find happiness again and remember me."

"River- "The Doctor didn't want to speak about that. He hated to think about the Library and a time without River Song.

"Shut up, sweetie. We both know I'm right. And you need someone. I told you, it's okay to fall in love again after losing your partner or spouse." She went to the cupboard to get a glass for herself but the Doctor rose of his chair, pulled her into a tight hug and buried his face in the curve of her shoulder and neck.  
Rory watched his daughter hugging her husband back and caressing his hair with one hand. Maybe River was right. Her situation was like she married a widower, right? As a father, it made him feel better to know she knew and was fine with it. The Doctor had a lot of baggage, she had as well. Rory hoped having each other to speak to would help both of them.

"And by the way," River said, after giving the Doctor a small kiss to his temple. "Rose knows about me as well. We had a nice chat two weeks ago."  
"WHAT?" A shocked Doctor let go of his hug and starred at his wife.

"Spoilers."  
"No! Just NO! You can't say something like that and then just say 'Spoilers'! WHEN did you talk to her? River, you know you can't risk the timeline by telling her anything- "River rolled her eyes at him. "I know what to tell and what not to tell someone about their future. And it isn't like I went back in time to visit her. We met. We chatted."  
"About me?!"  
River frowned and looked at him like he dribbled on his shirt. "Of cause about you, what else should we talk about? We had a pleasant girltalk. Don't worry about it, you will see for yourself. And now hush, that's enough Spoilers for you, Sweetie."  
He starred. And starred. It seemed several times like he tried to find words until River smiled and nodded. "I…. we both…. I mean… for real?" came the low whisper. She nodded again touched his cheek, temples and gave him a short kiss on his lips. /a short visit. No danger to her timeline. I will not say anything more. /

Rory couldn't hear what she told the Doctor. He could recognise that she must have told him something telepathically because her husband pulled her again in a hug. "River…" Shoulders started shaking and Rory could hear a low sob. It felt awkward to witness this vulnerable moment of the mighty Time Lord. Leaving his mug on the table Rory left the kitchen as quiet as possible. He knew, neither his daughter nor son-in-law would talk about it in the morning. They would both act like nothing happened at all.

Whoever 'Rose' had been – centuries later, their friend still loved her deeply. Seeing the hugging couple in the kitchen, witnessing a crying vulnerable Doctor break down in Rivers arms, trusting her to catch him and holding him together… he seemed to have learned from past regrets. Rory had never seen the Doctor like this before but it was obvious how deeply the Time Lord loved and trusted River as well. This marriage seemed crazy, complicated and -saying it in the Doctor's words- 'timey-wimey' but Rorys former doubts dispelled completely. The Doctor was good for River. And River was good for him.

Leaving the couple to themselves, Rory went back to bed to his sleeping wife where he finally was able to fall asleep as well.

Hours later he was woken early when a hyperactive smiling and laughing Time Lord burst open the bedroom door, calling his humans to celebrate Christmas morning…

currently thinking about a sequel where River and Rose get their talk. What do you think?


End file.
